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Monday, November 24, 2003
It always sounds like I'm bitching in these doesn't it? LOL. Well, here I go again. I've sat in the chair and tried to sleep but I just can't get comfortable no matter what I do. And I hate waiting to try and fall asleep. I just stay there for hours wide awake wishing I would pass out but I never do. Mom is sleeping in my bed, and I don't want to wake her up because really I sleep good in my chair. As long as I kick my feet up on the loveseat the chair is so big and squishy it sleeps great! But tonight once again is one of those common nights where nothing I can do seems to work. I have way too many of these nights. I'm so used to running two and three days in a row with no sleep or just a few hours from a nap. There's no way to describe to anyone how tired and drug out I feel. It goes beyond being tired. It almost feels like I'm spread thin. Add to that the fact that I have no blood and no iron and there you have the Ju cocktail for feeling like shit. I've perfected running day to day going on fumes. What really pisses me off though is that I just started to try and drive myself again. For over a year and a half I haven't been able to drive alone at all because of how bad I fall asleep. I had just started trying to drive again (and have actually made it a few places ok) and here I go again with the night after night of not being able to sleep unless I take a handful of drugs. It makes me so mad I could scream or cry. But I do neither. I sit here and wish that my eyes would close and I could just slip into that void of slumber. Ah well.
I go in the morning to have some breathing tests done at the hospital. I don't know what that's about as it came from the social security people. I'm going to have to call and talk to the case worker and see if he can get me a copy of these reports and stuff so I know what's going on. I had a chest xray done and I'm guessing they seen something because then they ordered these breathing tests. I wish they'd do a sleep study! Ugh. I really wish I could afford to go see a doctor. These little lumps under the skin in my arms are sore more often now and there's more of them. And just recently I've found the same type of hard little lumps in the backs of my thighs and also in my stomach. I've felt kinda the same thing in my breasts too. I know that everyone keeps telling me they're just fatty tissue tumors but it seems like that might be the sort of thing that a doctor needs to check. I dunno.... can they become malignant or what? I've just become accustomed to the fact that I'll either have to win the lottery or die before I can see anyone. It's sad isn't it? I was talking to a friend of mine who was married and moved to London and she said that everyone has free health care over there. Well, not free exactly. They pay for it in their taxes and the like; but everyone can go to a doctor or hospital anytime and not have to pay for it. What a cool idea! Why don't we do that here? I remember hearing people talk about politics and healthcare when I was growing up and I remember hearing the phrase 'falling through the cracks'. Now I know what that means. My family is a typical middle class family who makes too much money to be in the poverty level but has more bills than you can shake a stick at. I, my friends, am the prime example for someone who has 'fallen through the cracks'. If I ever get out of this and survive it I promise you I'm going to try and do something about the things that I've had to deal with in my short lifetime.
Boredom is a sick thing. One would think with as much stuff that exists on the internet that a person would never get bored with it. It seems like before I had a computer I could think of a million things that I wanted to look up and read about and I couldn't wait to get a pc! Then I got one and for a while I was never bored. Then, especially as these long sleepless nights went on and on, it lost it's glamour and has just seeped over into boredom. So I'm going to sign off and try and read a book or just sit some more in the dark. Until next time............... - posted by Loki's Concubine @ 11:24 PM
