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Friday, January 30, 2004
I'm here again. For a bit. I was hoping that I would enter more blogs into this thing, but as it turns out I don't make it that often. Well, I lie a tiny bit. I make it often, it's just that I don't blog. It's a choice I make a lot actually; mostly to keep from whining and depressing Dee and whoever else might stumble across this. It's a shame really, whoever might read these things. What an incredibly whiny stupid person everyone must think I am. Well, I suppose that's true, I am all of those and more. I try not to be but alas, life happens. I guess I shouldn't worry about it and just blog all the time anyway, I mean hell....... who's going to read it other than me. I'm sure even Dee gets tired of hearing me (I know for a fact lol) and will eventually just start skipping over these things from me. hehe It's ok Dee, I don't blame you chickie.
But well, I think it's in my nature to be dark and just......... well, hidden in a way. Even from myself. Especially from myself. That's a choice too I guess. I know more than I wish I did about the real me. Ah well......... again fate looks from the doorway with a big sigh.
So what's been happening, lets get through that first before I breakdown. *yahoo!*
I made a new friend from England through the Oprah forums. Yeah I know, the Oprah forums. Gods forbid...... but I went there on a spurt of idiocracy and posted. Her name is Laura, and she's really nice actually. She's a big girl too, and is having a lot of the same types of problems. I think she needs someone to talk to and I don't mind talking to people when I can hide behind the screen. Luckily I have Dee to talk to *MWAH!* but I'm glad to have met Laura. We're a lot alike...... she doesn't work either and is also scared of the world. Well not scared so much, but a definite love/hate relationship. Yes, what am I saying..... scared as hell. It's the truth. Scared as hell. More scared to live than die, if you can call what this is living. But... on to what else has happened.
We had a bitch of an icestorm come through over the weekend. We were lucky to keep power, but lots of cleanup to do. The ice was pretty though.
Argued with Dad over the weekend, over some stupid incident. I told the dog to stay in her chair so the other dog could come inside and he thought I was talking to him. Told me to "take my fat ass somewhere else." Needless to say that led to me telling him to kiss my ass and lots of "fuck yous" insued from both sides. Ah how nice. Well he was without cigarettes and I'm sure most of the problem with his attitude was that he was having a nicotine fit. Argued with Mom today. Again, my fault. I see a pattern here and it makes want to just beat myself in the head with a baseball bat. I guess it really wasn't anyone's fault... it just happened. But afterwards I see where I could've just not said anything and boom...... no argument. So you see, it really is my fault after all. As if I'm not disappointment enough to them that I have to go and keep adding stress on top of stress. I'm telling you, I would not want to have myself as my kid.
Gee it sounds like I have no self esteem doesn't it? LOL. I'm not sure if that's the case. I mean.... I know that I'm worth just as much as anyone else is and all that jazz; but at the same time I think the world would be better if there was no humans existing at all... so when I think I'm not worth anything it's not that it's anything personal. Does that make sense? In truth I guess it's because I have nothing to show for being alive. You know how they say that if you could look back on your life when you die you should be able to see what you've accomplished and what contributions you've made to the whole. I have none of that see, nothing really that makes a difference. I keep thinking about the old xmas movie..... It's a Wonderful Life. When the angel comes and shows him what life would be like if he had never been born. And everything is so changed..... some things for the better - some for the worse. But you know, I know some few things would have been changed. My parents life, surely. My brother would probably have been happier. My parents would have been better off honestly, financially at least. But other than that, there wouldn't be any real differences. I have never done anything important that merits impact of such a degree where some drastic changes were made. It's when you look back and see that your life has led to more negative changes than positive ones. I imagine someone like a mass murderer would look back and see the string of negatives that he created. My past is like that.... a string of small pebbles on a road that are passed by without notice. And it's not that I have no self esteem in thinking that I'm not good for anything. I have ideas, I have thoughts in my mind.... thoughts of things that not a lot of people even have the capacity or the passion to slosh around in their empty noggins. I'm a pretty intelligent person (stop laughing) who loves philosophical conversations. I'd love to learn about quantam physics, world cultures, all religions, and save animals. And there are simpler things that I'd like to do..... fall in love, marry, have children and a house and a retirement fund. I'd love to travel and see the great things in the world; Stonehenge, Rapa Nui, Glastonbury Tor, Prince William Bay Sound, the Pyramids, a tropical island, the Sahara, the Swiss Alps, the Black Forest, the Redwoods, Glacier National Park....... and on and on and on. I know I have just as right to do these things as anyone else does. But let's face it, the reality is it most likely isn't going to happen.
Am I going to write some letter to Oprah or Maury and ask them to fix me? No, there's someone out there who has more than just pebbles and in a way, deserve it more. Maybe we all deserve to be happy, but some of us also realize that what could be and what is..... is two very different things. It's like the saying.... wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.
Gods so many things are like that. Politicians for example. Promises promises..... just for once I'd like to hear a politician say, "You know what? I can't promise you anything for sure. I alone, even if President, can't make anything happen without the help of congress and senate and others. All I can do is try my best and push for what I've said I believe in." I'm so sick of "When I get elected I promise I'm going to do this and this and bleah bleah bleah." It never happens people, get real. And nothing fills up that shitty hand faster than a politician. And newsflash AMERICA...... the shit smells just as bad whether it's from Democrats, Republicans, Independants or Charles Manson!!!!!!!!! So get off this "my party is the best" crap and move on. It's like being in preschool squabbling over who's fingerpainting is the best.
I seriously wish I was the antichrist........ because damnit, someone needs to rule the frikken world that has common sense. Mark of the beast? HELL YES if it means putting an end to the amazing stupidity that so far has been the largest defining feature of the human race.
So um........ ok I got a bit carried away. What else to talk about....... I guess I'm in a talkative mood today somewhat. *cough cough* Yes friends, the Lovebuds Anonymous blogger is my active therapist. Tis a good thing that it's free, because I be damned if I'd pay to have someone tell me that I needed to "love myself". Nah... you're kidding? I'm having self worth issues? For shame! As Todd Tv says.... "The guy I gave change to in the TacoBell parking lot could have told me that." Gosh darn I wish I could find that damned Evanescance cd (can we say hard to frikken remember how to spell that).
Not to be morbid....... but Mrs. Banderas and I were talking last night about death. I'm not scared of death. Maybe at one time, now so long ago that I dont' really remember it. My Grandmother died when I was about 7 or 8, and that was when I stopped fearing death. I suppose a shrink would say that was the defining traumatic moment in my life. It's true I guess; it shifted me into an entirely different existence. Looking back now it almost feels like a planar split occured. It's strange to explain; the relationship that I had with her..... in truth I don't even know what it was/is. I didn't know her that well and it wasn't the first time I'd experienced death. All I can say is that there was something else there, something that carried over after she died. Linked souls, guardians.....however you want to say it; something exists between us that I can't explain. I've dreamt of her quite a many times, and funnily enough I've freaked my Dad out with things I mentioned she told me in a dream that I had no way of knowing. But back to death..... I haven't feared death since then. True, I fear any actual pain that may accompany death (such as having a heart attack, fire, drowning, some freaky accident where I slice off a leg, etc.) but the act of dying itself doesn't bother me in the slightest. I tried to explain to Dee how I view it...... it's just like changing clothes and putting on a new suit. Well, you know what I mean; that's a VERY simple way to describe it. But all in all, I look forward to death in a way. I look forward to a time when there is no pain, no hate, no tears, no seperation. I really hope there is music though. It makes sense that one could choose to hear music when in a total energy state. I mean music is just radio waves right? A different type of energy. It makes sense to assume that a being of energy could choose to tap into the radio waves if they wanted to. Maybe that's part of the effect of music. The sound waves actually come into your being, weaving their way through your mass of energy and slipping out the other side.
Today has been a bad day. Sometimes you just feel a snap inside and everything becomes bleak and covered in some hazy gray film. I feel like writing a poem, lets' see.
I've had another bad day; one after another on and on they come.
Somewhere from inside I felt the switch flip
And everything became covered in a bleak, hazy gray film.
My breath is carried away on the breeze
That floats over the oceans and is pulled fast into the tide.
I saw my memories slowly slipping away;
Slick like the blood trickles over skin.
Eyes become moist around the edges. Squeezing..... NO.
I do not want to cry; to feel. No more.
The flap of bird wings against a blue sky, hush.
Wrap the box and tie the bow tight.
Cringing against the bitter cold I walk with bare feet.
In shards of regret and truth, bloody footprints are easily followed.
It seems someone has walked this path before; see the signs on the wall.
And yet walk the same path I must. Sacrifice is accepted.
Encouraged, embraced, expected. Yes, my wages are to be paid in full.
I know what you would have me do and so it is done.
Who will remember my story?
Heh well just off the top of my head. I never said I had talent or was any good at writing. ;) Well I'm tired of blogging now so that's it for a bit.
Goodbye friends..................
