Lovebuds Anonymous

It's been a looooong day. You know, I don't know what's been going on lately, whether it's my hormones raging or whether the world is just jumping on my last fucking nerve, but it's not letting up nor do I expect it to anytime soon. One would think that when it's almost 60 degrees outside that the dog could sleep in her dog house. But can we have that? Hell no, once again it's another excuse. First it's too cold; fine I agree with that. Then it's storming; ok fine, she's scared of lightning. Now it's too f'ing windy? With winds from 5 to 10 mph??? Btw, I just checked my weatherbug and the wind is blowing 3mph. Give me a friggen break. You know it's not the fact that the dog is inside that agitated the shit out of me; it's the fact that Bud is lying to our faces out right and what's worse is he knows that we know. But once again, we have no say so because we're just the measly women who live in HIS house. All this from a man who wouldn't even know where to pay the damn water bill if he had to do things on his own. It just is a pity.

I keep trying to work through things and figure out why I'm so mad at everything. Surely there must be some deepseated underlying cause, nothing that I actually THINK I'm mad at, but something deeper that I'm not sure of. Dr. Phil would just love to sink his 'I know everything' claws into this one. No, it couldn't be that I'm mad at myself for being a fat-ass with no self-esteem, no job and still living with my parents. And yes, I know it's my fault. Because yes, at four years old I begged and pleaded to become obese and for my life to suck from moment to moment. Please Gods let me dream about heartattacks and blood clots and be out of breath from checking the mail. OOOH yes! NO I can't be mad at the fact that my Father is an asshole who knows nothing about how to show love; nor thinks that the world should exist without him as the all important messiah. I'm not really mad at the people who constantly look at me pointing and giggling while telling their friends about the cow they saw who just MUST have come from eating a whole pizza or something like that. I'm not mad at my 'best friends' who talk down to me infront of everyone else in a vain attempt to make themselves look more important or knowledgable while expecting it to be ok with me because, oh yeah, I'm younger and know nothing. And surely it can't be the fact that where I live the world falls at your feet if you're a so called 'minority' and where the big thing is putting the 'slave owning whities' down.. because yes, it's true..... I own my own harem of voodoo spouting slaves straight from the islands and I deserve to be punished. So it's ok, I'm not really mad at the fact that I'm being punished for something that someone did two hundred years ago who in retrospect probably wasn't even related to me. It MUST be something deeper. Like maybe the time my older brother stole my Easy Bake Oven ingredients and I secretly have harbored an evil flame ever since that moment that has brought about the atrocities of my life.

Ah but moving on. You know I should focus on a career in counseling. Wouldn't that be a trip? Maybe someone who actually knows what the people are going through would be a welcome treat. Who knows.... I was watching CSI the other day and the show was about this boy in middle school whose life was a living hell. He was considered one of the 'losers', something that I can well identify with. He was picked at, messed with, and eventually he was so humiliated that he ended up trying to commit suicide. All the while the parents and adults are freaking out at the possibility that OH MY GOD this kid is so young what could be so horrible going on in their life? And people want to know why kids go into schools with guns and shoot everyone up? Obviously if they need to ask why this is happening they were the very same people that were the ones in school picking on some kid because they looked different or was just 'a nobody'. Because lemme tell you, once you've been on the butt end day in and day out for years and years you're not surprised when you hear about something like a school shooting going on. Is it right? No. And it doesn't mean that you're going to go out and do something similar, but you understand the motivation and to you, it's not so incredulous an idea.

Onto happier news, I called some old friends to day to check on them. Haven't talked to them in a while and I had a dream about one the other night. I dreamt he went to see a doctor and got some bad news, so I was worried. Turns out everyone is ok, but I think he's going through some bad times right now too and he said it helped to hear that I was thinking about him. So maybe I had the dream for a reason and hopefully it did him some good to hear from me. I love them alot, just wish I could see them more often.

Ah going to get this mop on my head cut tomorrow. I wish I could get it styled in some way so that it wouldn't resemble some month-old dead swamp mongrel but in all the years I've never found anything that worked. If I EVER do manage to lose this extra sumo wrestler person that I carry around with me I think I'd like to try a short hair cut. But, until then, I'll keep it long in fear of someone mistaking me for Quasemodo. So just a trim. Maybe I'll get highlights put in later this year just before summer. I dunno. It's been a year since I've even gotten it trimmed. But it's ok, I'm used to having monkey-ass hair on my head. Only thing that bugs me now is that last time I had bangs (GASP) cut and they're at the perfect length now so that they seem to be trying to reach into my eye sockets and massage the muscles behind the ever-oozing jelly mass. It is a little annoying and that must be fixed!

I got my state tax check in yesterday. Not too bad, 233 bucks. I guess that's better than nothing, which is what I've gotten since last April HAH! I need to go to the eye doctor again and get some new specs. These are so old and warped that I can blink the wrong way and they'll fall off. I am hoping that when I go and make an appointment that the doc will tell me what I can do to fix my eyes from secreting this snotty stuff that they do. Maybe then I can get some disposable contacts. That would be sweet.

Gods...... April. In just 2 months it will be a whole year since I've been out of work. It feels so strange. I really thought that once I got into that job that things would be different ya know. God my 'resume' has been so pathetic. I'm going to be 27 years old this year and I still don't have a clue as to what I can do. It scares me to think about it. What is there for me to do? I don't have any talents, no college education. I don't know where things went wrong; I suppose back before I even thought about things like life. Back into elementary school when I learned that I would be alienated from normal people all of my life. *sigh*

I look up at the sky... I am tired and dry... Thinking of you, underneath the mexican moon........... Sorry having a singing moment there. I miss Concrete Blonde, such an awesome band. I almost wish sometimes that I could close my eyes and let myself drift away; far away into some song that seems to beat the same rhythm as the soul. Dreaming....... riding high on the back of the backseat in some convertible under a full moon on a summer night through the marshlands listening to the music with your arms outstretched like some wild exotic bird. Yeah, only in dreams.

When oh when are things going to change?

- posted by Loki's Concubine @ 8:45 PM