Lovebuds Anonymous

So what does one do when even drugs can't help in finding sleep? I guess after a while even taking sleeping pills or muscle relaxers or pain pills becomes the norm and your body just ignores them. So what happens when you are so totally exhausted that you just want to cry because you can't sleep? I know it's not good......... I just wish I could start falling asleep. All of this going and going until either I literally almost fall where I stand or "if I'm lucky" I may get three or four hours of sleep every two nights is for the birds. No, even the birds need more than that. It's getting to the point where I either sleep every second night or I get maybe an hour or two each night, and it's never the relaxing deep sleep....... it's the kind where you have to wake up every thirty minutes to pee or roll over. Now, as usual I'm here because my nose is stopped up and if I just lie there it will only get worse. So I come here to kill the time that it takes to clear up (usually about an hour) so I can attempt to get to sleep. What's worse is there is never anyone online to talk to at this time of night. I really need to make some overseas friends to talk to when this happens. Where in the world is it evening now? England? Hmm.. lemme see.
Well, I need to make friends in: Hawaii, Alaska, New Zealand, Australia, Seattle, or somewhere near there (California is an option but HELL NO I've learned that the hard way haha).

In other news....... I was thinking about getting a camera when the federal tax refund check came in. I really wasn't serious about it at first because I preferred to pay off the Lane Bryant bill for Mom with the money since it was my clothes that ran it up.. but she insisted that no, she wasn't going to let that happen and that she wanted me to get the camera. But, today I ran across the bill and I had no idea that it was so much. It's over $900 dollars now! I can't understand it! I just was sort of stunned, I mean I knew I had gotten some clothes but I thought it was only around $400 bucks. So now whether she likes it or not it's being paid off. Well almost, I'll be about a hundred dollars short of paying it off but hopefully if she can swing that it will be one bill gone. And I'm not getting anymore clothes. I feel so damned guilty now. And when I think about the time that I was working and how I blowed that damn money when CrazyLyingAss who stole my money came over this past summer..... I could have helped paying off some things for Mom but no..... I blew it on me. Gods I'm so selfish. It makes me sick.
To think of all she's done for me and is still doing. How many Mothers are going to support their 26 year old bummed-ass daughter of not only quitting her job, but letting her sit home and take time to wallow in her pity while not working and feeding off the parents? You know everyone thinks that she's doing wrong by not kicking me out and forcing me to 'be in the real world' but she knows that that approach wouldn't help me. Somewhere I think she understands that she's all that keeps me holding on and well, it just wouldn't be worth fighting anymore if I lost that connection. It feels like the only thing I have at times. And I know that I'm too dependent and need to get out, but at the same time..... I owe her big time. And I would do anything, give anything if I could just make things easier. So I guess it's time that I seriously start looking for some kind of work again. I dunno what in the hell I'm going to do. It absolutely mortifies me to think about it. It's not that I'm a chicken shit........ trust me I've had to be brave too many times for that. It's just that I know what's coming. Unless you've been 350 pounds trying to get by in a world that views anything over size 10 as 'need to lose it now or die' you have no clue what I'm talking about. And you skinny minnies might think you know....... but you don't. NOT even close. I know what it's like to walk into that job interview and be beaten before you even open your mouth. Add being a woman to that, and being in the south where at this point in time, being white and trying to get a job is like trying to get a buzzard to ignore a ripened opossum on the freeway. It just isn't good; these companies get paid a bonus for every black person they hire so guess what; they hire all minorities (mainly black people) whether they're qualified or not. And for automatically pointing that fact out I'm labeled racist. Well whatever. And no, I'm not calling them 'African Americans'. Damnit.... they're not from Africa. Unless you were born in Africa or can trace your GRANDPARENTS to Africa you are NOT African anything. Face it buddies, if you're born in America YOU ARE SIMPLY AMERICAN. I'm not Indo-European German-Irish Native American Lumbee Indian American. When people start realizing that the term "African American" is actually seperating them from being just a normal American more than helping maybe things will change. But no, I don't see that happening anytime soon, especially in the south. For some reason people think that because slavery existed longest in the south that any white person born and bred in the south owes them something. So now we are the ones who are on the losing end and no, it's not fair. And yes, I do have a right to whine. Because these things are happening to ME and my family NOW. Not something that happened to my ancestors a hundred years ago whom I never even met. So get a grip and start dealing with this time people and not dwelling on the then. If we live in the past based on the tragedies that a people suffered then the Native Americans should be the ones bitching and carrying on because not only did they deal with slavery (yes they did deal with it too) they dealt with losing their country, their religions, their pride, their lives, and their entire way of life. And guess what........ they're still living with pretty much the same conditions even today. So if you want to see some injustices of the past you think about them.

I'm sad in a way now. I know I am selfish. I really wanted that camera. lol. But maybe another day I'll get it. I really need to use that money on Mom. I guess the state tax check I'll use to go to the eye doctor and get new glasses. The contacts are probably out of the question now, but again...... maybe one day. I wonder how much money I could make if I started selling my LOTR collection. Do I have anything else that's worth much? I'll have to start thinking. Things have gotta change ya know....... gotta change.

- posted by Loki's Concubine @ 12:01 AM