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Sunday, February 29, 2004
You know, sometimes it's like the universe is just high on acid. Today for example, was a VERY strange day. To begin with, I ended up falling asleep around 4am. I sleep with the tv on, sound turned down on low...... simply because for some reason the light bouncing off the wall (where I am usually facing when I sleep) seems to make me sleep better. Maybe it's because when I wake up I'm not disassociated as much, maybe it's because when things are too quiet the silence drives me crazy, or maybe it makes me dream more.... I dunno. Anyways, so it took me a few minutes to wake up this morning when I heard things moving around and slamming. In any case, I came to and realized Mom was in my room putting my trunk by the bed. Ok, so I knew that she was in her room trying to move things because that's where it had been. Those of you associated with my life knows that: #1 I moved back home this summer and brought all my shit back with me, #2 The entire family is severe packrats, #3 Mom hasn't been in her room b/c it was filled with shit so she's been sleeping either in my room or on the couch. Ok.... so I get up because I hear her cussing and I figure I'd see what was going on. Turns out she's trying to clean off her bed and get the tv plugged up so she can have something to watch (Dad believes that he's the only one in the house and so the family tv is permanently stationed on the Outdoor Network, aka turkey and deer hunting 24/7). It's enough to drive everyone crazy.
It's on days like this that I realize just how useless I really am. Now not to say that I CAN'T be good for something, just that right now I'm not. Right now I am like the scabby wart on my Mom's ass. Although she denies it and doesn't want to admit it, it's the truth and we all know it. Not only am I sponging off of my parents, but because of having to move back home (a whole nother warped story) we had to cram all of our old shit along with my new shit into this teeny house. Ok so now it's piled up in my room and Mom's room. Only difference is I can get to my bed and sleep and watch tv. Mom's bed is hard to even find under the shit. It's not trash, like we don't have stacks of old papers... it's just stuff that we've collected over years of getting knick-knack presents (which we hate by the way), yard sales and flea market finds. And everyone knows a packrat doesn't throw away anything, so shit just keeps piling and piling on top of itself. Ok, well you know.... I can fully understand Mom's frustration. She has no bed, no bedroom (my parents don't share a bedroom, Dad took over their bedroom... again, another story) so she has no space. It's hard to not have any space for yourself. I know that you know, too well..... because although I have a small space in my room, in a grander scale I feel that I don't have a place to 'fit in' either. And it sucks to feel that you belong nowhere. This morning I realized that, once again, I was the cause of a great deal of stress and strife in Mom's life. Adding to the caboodles of money and bills that I owe her and the fact of being a bummy disapointment, I have taken her very space and alone place away from her with my lack of having shit together. She got just... ya know, to the breaking point after being so frustrated and angry and just gave up and layed on the small empty space on her bed she'd made and cried. Can I just tell you that I'd rather have my limbs slowly chewed off by a pack of rabid groundhogs than see my Mom cry? It killed me. It was all I could do to find the dropcords, hook her cable and tv up so she could watch some tv and get back into the safety of my room before I broke down myself. Of course knowing that she upset me made her feel bad again, which in turn makes me feel worse because once again... I'm causing her pain. Gods this is an awful pinwheel cycle of salty stank.
I'm going to start tomorrow with the new plans I've come up with and damnit, I'm going to get in her room this week and get some shit gone through at least where the bed isn't surrounded by boxes - even if it kills me.
*Sigh* I went back to sleep for a couple hours after that and thankfully didn't have any dreams, because I know they would'nt be pleasant after that. When I woke up Mom and I rode to Barb/Allen's to visit. We ended up all (including Puppup) going to town (they wanted a hot dog) and visiting Allen's mom. It was a nice day, its' always fun to be around them. We were talking on the drive home..... you know, about what we would do if we ever won the lottery (sometimes dreams are all that keeps us from going insane). Allen is a cowboy at heart, and he makes a good one. Ghost Town is his favorite place to go I think, and we'd always joked about winning the lotto and buying it for him to run. Just riding, thinkin of things that we would do on the mountain to make it better and to bring it more up to date. We have some awesome ideas, ya know.... it's sad that we don't have the money to really do them. It's frustrating to have so many ideas but no way to see anything done. Well, maybe one day. I'd love to see Allen play cowboys with the other guys up there who do the gunfights. He would be in heaven.
Not much else to say. I'm cold sitting here and my bowels aren't happy, for some reason they seem to be rebelling against me today. That's life eh? Until next time.... - posted by Loki's Concubine @ 5:07 PM
