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Thursday, March 25, 2004
All along I have cried, silent tears filled with pride. In a world made of steel made of glass.................... What a feeling!
Hehe. Ok so you know what's playing in my handy ITunes player. lol.
WELL NOW! M-O-O-N spells flashdance! So hmmm, well today was a good day! I like good days. Even though I forgot to eat breakfast and that's a big no-no (it actually slows down your metabolism if you skip breakfast) it was a good day. We went to the TOPS meeting today (it's our second meeting but our first 'official' meeting) and joined up. I weighed in last week unofficially. This week I weighed in officially. I'm the chapter's only 'Category I' member (the big fatass club) but that's ok because I lost five pounds this last week!!! YAY!!! I'm sure it is a pound off or so because I didn't have my shoes on today when I weighed. hehe. But still!!! Then again, last week my shoes were light ones. I'm still happy. Last time I weighed with Voc. Rehab. (last year in November I guess) I was 357. Last week I was 351.5. Today I was 346.5!!! That's five pounds in one week! YAY! Doesn't sound like much, I know. But it means a lot. First signs that I'm on the right road at least. :-) I'm so happy to have made it under 350 pounds. Wow that kicks ass. I'm looking forward to next week now and the weigh in. If I can lose (give or take a few pounds each time) 5 pounds on average a week imagine how fast it would be gone! That would be almost 20 pounds each month. I can't even imagine. I don't even know if that's physically possible without having surgery, but if it IS possible and I COULD do it.... I could be at goal before this time next year. Wow I could actually have a real skinny person swimsuit for once in my life for next summer! LMAO WOW! Ok, I know... I'm sort of carried away. But..... well I dunno... I guess this is just the first really REALLY positive thing that's happened. And there's not a lot of positive things in my life, that I have for myself or are a result of me. And for once, I don't care if I sound stupid because I feel GOOD about something that I did for myself. So screw all o'you out there laughing at my big old fat happy ass. M-O-O-N that spells "up yo ass."
If I am really planning on doing this though there are a few things that I still have to work on. The biggest thing is that I really need to start:
Intaking the WATER! Everyday. No excuses, no slacking off on it. According to my weight, I should be getting at least 185 oz. of water a DAY. That's a lot I know. But if I break it down.... well shit, it's either just over 15 12oz bottles or 8 glasses (24oz) of water a day. I can do that. Most of the time I just don't think about it or I'm out somewhere with Mom and it just slips by me. But there's really no reason why I can't do it. I don't work now, I'm home most of the time. And when we're going out I can always grab a few empty bottles and fill em up. I don't mind warm water.
Exercising More! This is going to be (almost) the hardest thing for me to do. Hopefully I'll still be able to do the Curves workout 3 times a week. I want to get pretty loyal with that and make it a permanent routine. When the pool opens, I'm going to start doing some aqua aerobics too. (I won a video on ebay showing how to do the exercises. I'm also getting some water barbells, aqua shoes, and gloves.) The big thing though, and I know that it's going to be key for me to lose weight... and I know this because my gut and my heart is telling me so.... WALKING. I gotta start walking on a regular basis. If it's only once a week, I'm gonna have to start doing it. The women today were talking about walking around the 'track' at Dillon Park here in town. I didn't know they had a track; but I'm going to go and check it out. If they have one and it's relatively safe, I think I'm going to start going there and walking at least once a week. Start off slow because of my bad knees and ankles. Maybe just once around the track to begin with and slowly go around more. I also want to get a couple videos that I can work out to at home. Maybe some Richard Simmons (I know he's goofy.... but at least he knows what it was like to be truly fat and knows the problems big people have with movements.) or Kelly Bliss (even though her movies are really expensive). I can do those while Mom's sleeping and I'm here alone. I just don't feel comfortable walking around in the mall with the mall walkers. There's too many people and well.... I don't want to be the focus of everyone giggling and talking about the blubber butt walking. LOL. Besides, at the park I could take my cd walkman, my walking stick, and just lose myself. Make myself a nice mp3 cd filled with fast paced pop, disco... happy music!
SLEEPING ENOUGH!!! Man oh man this is going to be the worst out of them all. Maybe with starting to do more exercise I can get into a more regular sleeping pattern. I hope so. All I know is that now I get to bed around 3am on regular nights and usually am awake around 9am the next morning. That might sound like a good long while to some people, but I am up on average about 6 times using the restroom. And it always takes me a while to get back to sleep. And it takes me a few hours to even fall asleep to begin with. So by the time it's all whittled down, I'm lucky if I get three or four hours. PHEW! No wonder I feel so drug out and beaten all the time (well that and the fact that I have NO BLOOD). But that's another story. hehehe.
So, I just gotta change over to these habits. It's funny how I've been changing little things each week. Mom's been great. Especially with buying me stuff that's like fat free or low fat/no sugar. One week I switched to; saralee delightful bread (low carbs and calories), light soymilk, fat free cheese, fat free mayo, reduced calorie peanut butter, and sugar free/fat free ice cream & chocolate syrup. This week I switched a few more things to low calorie/fat free. And it isn't bad. Some things have a different flavor... but I just keep thinking about the difference and it being worth it. I can indulge and have those sinful things again when I'm at goal and healthy.... where I don't have to worry about it killing me early. Right now though, I just want to be healthy and happy. So I'll do what I gotta do. ;-) I'm determined now damnit! And I'm really glad that I went to the TOPS meetings and decided to join. I think weighing in each week will really help me to do the things I need to be doing. One bad thing about myself that keeps my self-esteem so low is that I always feel like I never do anything right and that I HAVE to please people. Well, in this case that's a positive thing... because in order to please the group I'll try harder to lose weight so when I weigh in I can say I've lost such and such. hehehe.
Ok well Dee's gonna shit now cuz once again I've written a novel. I can't help it though, it's very therapeutic. LOL.
Until later when I get bored. ;)
