Lovebuds Anonymous

Happy Frikken St. Patrick's Day!!!!

M-O-O-N. That spells how I feel.

So what's new... Ah, I went to the eye doctor Monday. He was a nice guy, very nice office. AND CHEAP, which is good seeing as to how I have no money. I have these drops to put in my eyes and hopefully that will clear up all the gunky stuff. If I get lucky and it works, then he's fitting me for contacts next Monday. If I don't get lucky then I guess we get to try something else for the gooklie gook that poureth from thine eyes. I am so hoping to get contacts. Mom said she'd get them for me. Even some of those cool colors that I like. Yay. No more drab brown eye. So far though, I can't tell much of a difference in the gookie.

Today I went back to voc rehab. That place is such a waste of time. I like the counselor and all, but they don't know shit. When I first went there I had to tell her what the questions meant for my 'condition' because she had no clue what they were asking about. I've had to 'teach' her everything first that I've been trying to explain. And these are supposed to be educated people. Educated in the problems that people have. YEAH RIGHT. These people will never have a clue. Just to prove the stigma that she has with fat people, she doesn't even say the worse OBESE (rhyming with geese)... she says and pronounces OBEAST. Like great, not only am I a fatass who can't do anything but now I'm like the head cow of the herd. I guess all those years of being called the 'fat cow' really were accurate.

So anyways, I went back today simply to tell her that I felt like I was just wasting her time. They can't help me at all. The only answer they have is to send me to the center in Columbia for 9 months. This place is like a rest home where they rehabilitate people who've been in car wrecks or have had major accidents. It was so depressing, just visiting. And they can't do anything for me more than what I'm already doing here. Plus I'd be there with no way to leave, no computer, no tv, no phone, a roommate (with scheduled lights on/off times), and would have to do shit like tell the group why I am sad. OK.. um that isn't going to help me. I've been through all the nutritional/weight loss shit when I was still going to the base hospital. Nothing's changed. I go to Curves. That's all they can do for me other than isolate me from everyone and everything I know here. I just know it wouldn't be good for me. I mean I'm already riding the fence and trying to keep from just offing myself. That would surely just push me on over into the great wide open.

So anyways. I sat there today for over half an hour before I ever got back to see her. Then I had to sit there and listen to her answer the same damn goofy questions that she's asked me ten times before. I keep telling her the answers over and over. It's shameful you know, and humiliating. But I tell her the truth, straight up. And thankfully I kept my shades on because I'm really not good at keeping the tears in. It's actually funny; how cold and lifeless and like a dried up numb husk I feel and yet I can't keep from crying when put in that situation. There's nothing they can do. And her trying to keep telling me the same thing and me explaining why that won't work is just more proof of the fact that she isn't listening to a g*ddamn thing I'm saying.

So I think that's it. I won't be going back most likely. I said my piece. I told her that I'd just have to keep on keeping on like I've been doing and deal with it. It's life. She says she thinks I've given up and she doesn't know why. HAH! She says to me, well what can you do now to help others. I told her quite honestly, I don't give a shit about others. They dont' give a shit about me. LOL. And that, my dear, is my stance.

I slept three hours last night. I tried to sleep; layed there for hours listening to Dad wake up and get ready for work. When I finally did fall asleep I had a freaky dream and woke up. I couldn't shake it and fall back asleep so I got up and tried to sleep in the chair. Couldn't sleep went back to lay in the bed. Fell asleep for about twenty minutes and then it was time to wake up. Three hours. Yippee Huray.

I ran across some poetry on the web by Harriet Duncan:

Rivulets of water
Run down my alabaster skin
Pour off around my feet
Hide the tears from my eyes
Wish it could wash away
The damaged softness inside
And the depths of despair.

Ain't that the truth.

- posted by Loki's Concubine @ 12:57 PM