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Tuesday, March 02, 2004
I'm glad, at least, to see Dee blogging again. I missed reading her stuff around here. Today... well today was long. I've been so tired the past few days, and I'm not sure why, other than the fact that I've been losing three times as much blood as normal. Well I imagine today I feel tired because, once again, I've been having trouble sleeping and thought I'd take two ambien last night. Needless to say I was up stumbling around but I never did get much good sleep. Then driving today to Barb's was a trip down memory lane. I kept feeling my eyes close in slow motion and then I'd jar awake when I saw a car coming that I was way too close to or when the tires went off the roadside. I honestly don't know how I haven't killed someone or gotten in any wrecks yet. I guess I have been lucky so far. I keep pushing myself though and that's just going to be how it is from now on. I can't live my life without driving and so things will just go on. I just hope that in the end if anyone gets hurt it's only myself.
On top of feeling bad today I didn't drink my water like I was supposed to. I did good yesterday but today was just so bleah. Tomorrow is going to be better I hope, I'll go to curves so I know I'll get some water in. I am hoping to clean the bathroom tomorrow and work some more in my bedroom. I couldn't do anything today though, as dad was home for a dentist appt and one can never do anything when he's home. On the bad side, his truck needs working on and it's going to cost $500.00. On the good side, my tax refund finally come in today. I was going to use it to pay off Lane Bryant but... with his truck... *sigh* I'll only have $300.00 to put towards the bill. I was hoping to put $700.00 against it so that only $100 would pay it off and I could use the extra hundred I held back to go to the eye dr. I don't know now what I'm going to do. That's gonna leave only $300 bucks.... I can't pay off any bill... and even if I put it towards Lane Bryants I know Mom. Try as she might (and she will do her best to pay it off quick) she'll get behind again and so it will just stay there with her paying finance charges while the balance slowly creeps higher and higher from late fees and whopper financing costs. On top of that she wants me to take the $300 and use that for the eye dr. I don't know what to do. I'd love to go to the eye dr and get a new pair of glasses (mine are horribly warped and fall off if I look down) and even get fitted for those disposable contacts. I really want to have this goopy stuff that comes out of my eyes like jelly checked to see if they could treat that. But now, the one small thing that I was hoping to do.. pay off ONE of my bills isn't going to happen. I just get so discouraged you know? Nothing I try to do ever pans out and it just feels like there's no way out of this hole. Everytime you finally can see some daylight someone else kicks more dirt in the hole and covers you up. And the gods know I'm trying to stay positive, even though it doesn't sound that way, but it's just getting harder and harder to do. I was thinking today about how much I'd gotten into debt... not myself, but my Mother which is worse. I was thinking about what I could do to fix it. Funnyily enough I was wondering if there was still a black market for human kidneys. I have two, if the price was high enough I could live without one. Anything to make things easier on Ma. If only I didn't suck so much. *sigh*
I'm gonna go tomorrow and try to move (once again... MINE) that big furking black store display thingy out of the storage building and down to the trash bin. It's huge, and it's HEAVY so I dunno how I'm gonna do it. Mom thinks she's going to help me but I'm hoping that she forgets what I was thinking about doing so I can put her to sleep and go off on my own. When I went to Barb's today we made a little wooden dolly with wheels and all (my idea... I hope it works) for me to use to move the thing. It's gonna be hell getting it on there, and I'm not sure it's going to work at all. But it's worth a shot. If I can get that out of there, then Mom and I can get in the building and get everything gone through and most of the shit thrown away. That would save us $50 bucks a month right there. So it's on the priority list. Wish me luck, and if I hurt myself I'm not gonna say nothing to the folks cuz there's nothing anyone can do about it anyway. lol.
Until next time! - posted by Loki's Concubine @ 9:44 PM
