Lovebuds Anonymous

Ya know it's sad that there always seems to be something fuzzy just outside of your reach that makes things so difficult, especially when they need not be. I've been having a pretty good day today, well with the exception of this morning... which did NOT start out good at all.

But, I got up and showered and went to my meeting anyway. I'm glad I did, I lost 3.5 lbs this week. Not too bad seeing as how I really didn't do anything this week! So that sort of cheered me up some. Things went pretty well after that. Nothing too exciting. Went for a walk around the lake, had lunch with Bonnie, went to visit Allen/Barb/Neicey, went to the store to get salad stuff, came home and took a nap. Pretty easy.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, having gotten another phone call from my friends upstate who are having the party. I really love them and don't see them near as much as I'd like. I'm kinda bummed though, because I had really thought that we were going up on Friday and getting to spend some time but it turned out that the friend I'm riding with wanted to leave late Saturday. Well at noon, which is late for me b/c it's a 3 hour trip. That'll put us getting there with just enough time to change clothes and go to the party. But that's cool, there's always another time I guess.

So, ya know.... I don't have many friends. I've always had a LOT of acquaintances, but you know..... not a lot of true friends. I think that's good in a way. My friends upstate are true friends, but I mean having local friends that I see often. I have a couple good friends here now, and that's good. Lately though, I've been thinking a lot about the friends that I've had since I've been here and it's depressing in a way. I love my friends and I wouldn't trade them, but it seems like in the end I'm always the one who gets taken, forgotten, pushed in the shadows, taken advantage of, or just simply the one who's expected to do all the work. And I get so tired of it all.

Sometimes I just get into a thick hermit funk and sit home not visiting anyone, in fact I'm going through one of those funks right now and have been for about 7 months. I still get out, but it's very rare and far between shots. It's not that I want to give up these friends or anything like that. It's just that I start to feel lost and frustrated and eventually have to pull back and find myself again. Is that so hard for everyone to understand? I don't think so. But yet still when I do this I seem to upset everyone again. *sigh* I think I must just be a really shitty friend, and also one that gets walked on too easily. Maybe that's the real problem. I'm not a confrontational person, and I'm always the one who sacrifices something to prolong the friendship. I've had some major issues with friends (everything from losing money to having to put up with pure BS), but I'm always the one who lets the ball roll away rather than lose the friendship entirely. I mean I figure if the friendship is that important to me, then it's not worth throwing away over some stupid thing ya know? I try to take the 'bigger person' route. But in doing so, it seems like that sometimes it gives people the idea that it's then ok for them to treat me like shit because I'll just let it go.

I'm like everyone else; shit builds up inside of me until I literally feel like screaming and pulling my hair out at the roots. I amaze myself actually, that I'm such a calm person... or people see me that way. Inside I'm such a violent, angry person at times and I just feel like bashing my head against a stone wall. (Or revert back to old cutting habits lol.) I don't know...... I don't know why I'm even blogging about it because I really don't have a point. I suppose it's simply because I don't have anyone to talk to about it with and I need to vent. I just wish that I wasn't always so misunderstood by everyone. Or that I was like some of my friends who are just loud, outspoken, have to be center of attention sorts..... because then at least I really wouldn't think about how I treated people. But I don't really want to be like that; I've been on the receiving end far too many times and it hurts. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone. *bleah*

I think I complain too much. About everything. That's something that I wish I could work on and do something about. I appreciate things, I just still complain. I have faults too, oh how I know that. I'm harder on myself for them than anyone else could ever be. In truth no one will ever know how much I punish myself, simply for being ME and existing. Yeah I know, that's sad and stupid... but it's true. Comes with the whole self-hatred thing I suppose. It would just be nice for once to not feel like I had to do or say certain things. That nothing is expected of me, other than to just do what I feel is right for me for a change. It would be nice to not be treated like I should walk one step behind because that's where I deserve to be. I guess that'll never happen until I really start realizing my own self worth in a good way, which is what I'm attempting to do now. It just seems like the other things in my life are going to have to suffer in the time it takes me to come to that self discovery. It's a shame that it has to be that way..... but someone once said that nothing comes without sacrifice.

I'm assuming in the end that feelings will be hurt, as much as I wish they wouldn't be. The last thing I have ever wanted to do was to hurt the feelings of the people I care about. But I've always put everyone else first, and in the 27 years that I've done that I've somehow shoved the little pieces of me that I was struggling to hold onto far down in the shadows. I've walked a lot of miles with many different people, but it's come to the point where the road is only big enough for one person. If I don't do this now, for myself, then I'm never going to know what being at peace and being truly happy really are like.

So I'm in the hopes that those who I care about will be there for me on the other side. I know it's asking a lot, but I am hoping that they care enough about me to want me to learn who I am and put the puzzle pieces together. And if that's too much for them then I guess I'll just have to enjoy the time that we shared but not let it set me back to the place where I've been for so long.

And how I wish that I could just tell everyone all of this and exactly how I feel. But people just don't understand and can't grasp the fact that it isn't a reflection on them, but actually something that is going on inside of you... and only you.

So here I sit, wishing that I had somewhere to go and something calming to be around. I miss driving. That has always been my repose, the only real way that I could let all the humdrum in my mind loose and feel totally at peace and relaxed. I have literally driven alone through the country, at night, for hours just breathing in the smells of corn ready to be pulled and the earthy smells that accompany farming and livestock land. The stars are absolutely like drops of silver mercury so bright, because in the country the sky is pure blackness with nothing to damper the sky like smoke or light or smog. Other times that blackness will have a bright round moon that sits huge, and I'll leave the moonroof open and just watch the way it makes my skin look silvery-white and unreal, like I was wearing some weird alien skinsuit on a space movie. There's always animals, and on most nights I would see dozens of deer in the fields, and rabbits and possums and raccoons and snakes on the edges of the road. I drive slow, so I don't scare them. And I can hear the hoots of the owls and the loud chirp chirps of cricket legs rubbing together and all the other bugs doing their buggy things. If I'm REALLY lucky I'll see a bobcat or there were a few times where I would run across a little fox with her kits. (She had two, and they were adorable!) Once I was driving over the bridges at the swamp and there was a 6 foot alligator in the road!

*Sniff* I miss that so much. Now I'm stuck here, sitting sitting sitting at this mechanical box; alone, bored, depressed, wanting out.

There's a letter written by C.G. Jung to someone who asked him about depression. This is what he says, and I love the thoughts in it (I'll highlight my faves):

"Depression means literally "being forced downwards." This can happen even when you don't consciously have any feeling at all of being "on top"! So I wouldn't dismiss this hypothesis out of hand. If I had to live in a foreign country, I would seek out one or two people who seemed amiable and would make myself useful to them, so that libido came to me from outside, even though in a somewhat primitive form, say of a dog wagging its tail. I would raise animals and plants and find joy in their thriving. I would surround myself with beauty - no matter how primitive and artless - objects, colours, sounds. I would eat and drink well. When the darkness grows denser, I would penetrate to its very core and ground, and would not rest until amid the pain a light appeared to me, for in excessu affectus [in an excess of affect or passion] Nature reverses herself. I wold turn in rage against myself and with the heat of my rage I would melt my lead. I would renounce everything and engage in the lowest activities should my depression drive me to violence. I would wrestle with the dark angel until he dislocated my hip. For he is also the light and the blue sky which he withholds from me.
Anyway that is what I would do. What others would do is another question, which I cannot answer. But for you too there is an instinct either to back out of it or to go down to the depths. But no half-measures or half-heartedness. "

Hehe, just for fun and because I mentioned cutting......... here's a poem I'll post about it. Why not yes? I'm in the mood to let people think I'm nuts.

Back to Start
So here we are again, in the same familiar place,
Sitting in the same old uncomfortable seats.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here.
There's no finding an answer when
You haven't even found the question.
Sometimes it feels like I'm here merely as a distraction,
Or possibly as a plaything, like a kickball.
To be used for one's own enjoyment; no emotion, no importance.

Oftentimes I've wondered why people, especially myself,
Write such description things filled with images of blood.
And I think it's possibly because blood is the only thing
That links us as part of the human race.
We are made to live so far apart;
So withdrawn into our own personal hells,
That the only thing that we can be sure of
Is the color that runs from any jagged wounds.

There's something strangely comforting about blood.
People can think we're crazy or demented or worse.
But it's true, what I say. Blood is the essence of life,
The very thing which brings us the life that we dread.
And the very thing that we can send gushing from ourselves.
It is the warmth, the salty sweet substance that carries breath.
And it can be our savior, with each passing moment of it's freedom
It can take us closer and closer to that soft welcoming death.

Isn't it funny how something with no life of it's own
Can be the best or worst of friends.
-Loki's Hookah

Sweet dreams.

- posted by Loki's Concubine @ 7:41 PM