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Tuesday, May 25, 2004
DECISIONS DECISIONS
It's been an adventure today already. My family is famous for having bad luck, and it kicked into full gear again this morning. The past few days we've been fighting with our air conditioner, as it seems to keep getting clogged up. Well, things escalated this morning when the ceiling fan in the den started leaking water. (Our a/c is located in the attic.) So, either the pan under the a/c had overflowed and leaked into the fan, which was holding water and slowly leaking it onto the floor..... Or a pipe is busted somewhere up there. Either way, we ended up having a friend come over and take the ceiling fan down and try to see what was wrong. BUT before that happened, Mom and I were trying to see what was going on. In going outside to check on the drainage pipe, Mom was almost bitten by a snake. Now it wasn't a poisonous one, just a rat snake I think... But the mofo was LONG! It was at least about 6 feet long (I'm measuring by our picnic table, he was longer than that and it's big) and well, Mom and I have a huge fear of snakes of any kind. So began the great Weasie/Serpent battle of 2004. It was sort of entertaining to watch, but I have to say she did better than I would have. It was slap the snake with the shovel, it rears up at her, she jumps and squeals, slap the snake again. Over and over. LOL. Eventually she managed to chop it a few times, and by then my Godparents had stopped by and Allen killed it and put it on the burn pile. Yecch! I know that it wasn't poisonous and all that, but it would end up making us hurt ourselves. Already this morning I've twisted my ankle trying to get to Mom with the shovel. LOL.
The ceiling fan came down. The ceiling underneath it is still holding water and dripping. It's soft, so I'm assuming that it's rotten. I think we're going to have to replace that piece of ceiling and insulation as well as the ceiling fan. Joy. Needless to say father dearest will be in rare form and I'll be catching hell because we all know that everything that goes wrong is somehow my fault. And so the wheel rolls on....
In other thoughts, I talked to my "therapist" Ken last night again. I don't know why I feel so comfortable talking to him, but I do. And I'm glad that he doesn't mind giving advice and listening. I feel a connection with him and I have so much respect for both him and Barbara, that it sinks in a little more what he says. I sort of mentioned that I wouldn't mind moving upstate where they're at eventually. I don't think I'll be able to move out and stay near home and be successful because I'd be too tempted to come home again. And like Ken says, that safety net will be there and I'll know that.... So I won't push myself to really succeed on my own. That's so true, and I know it. (Wow can I just say how damn soft my hair is this morning. heh)
There's so many things running through my mind. And it's all fear, I know, that holds me back. Fear of failure. Fear of having to move back home, defeated and ashamed. I don't want to end up like my brother, who's moved out and back about 4 times. I want to have a life of my own, like I'm supposed to have at this age. I never thought I'd be 27 and still at home, with no job. It sucks. *sigh* I think a new start would do me a lot of good. I know everyone wonders why I don't have a job here. It's hard to explain really. I have looked here. In this town there are little to no jobs though, unless you have experience or college degrees.... And to be honest, people here in this town are so snotty. I could do office work and stuff like that, but no one wants to hire me because I'm not the traditional little 'skirt-wearing' firm-assed young chick. Even the woman at K-Mart wouldn't hire me for that very reason, and yes.... She spelled it out for me. This town is just very small and very close-minded, snotty, snobbish, and backwards. I think I'd do better in a bigger town where people are used to seeing all sorts of people.
Understand that I know that's an excuse, but it is also true. I know the excuses that I make. I see them all too clearly. My problem is just ACTING on changing things. So my "Big Daddy" therapist suggested that I make a list of small and short term goals and then make a list of ways to meet them. I'm supposed to form a plan on what I need to do to make those goals happen. So I guess that's what I'm going to work on now. Maybe focusing on my health isn't ALL that I should be doing. (After all, it's going to take a good while for the weight to drop and in the meantime I suppose waiting on that to happen is another excuse to not start life right now.) It's all so overwhelming, trying to figure out where to start. I don't know what I want to do in life!! I still have that "what am I gonna do when I grow up" thought in my head. I know that the best fields to get into are computers and medical stuff. If I didn't have such a weak stomach for odors I would go into nursing. But unfortunately vomit, shit and piss make me go into dry heave spasms that eventually yield not-so-dry results. Yecch. Blood doesn't bother me in the slightest though, isn't that funny? So I'm wondering if there's something I could find that utilizes computers in a medical setting. The Scorned Woman *Lovebud #2* is taking a medical transcription course through the mail, and I wonder if that's something I would be good at. How easy/hard are those jobs to get? Is there something better suited for me? How does one find out what sorts of jobs there are and how to go about finding out? I don't know these things. Finding out where to start is the hardest damn thing in the world.
But I like the thought of working in a medical place instead of some company using computers. There's always going to be a need for medical things, especially with the baby boomers hitting their golden years soon. So pretty much everywhere in the country would have a need for that. And the money seems pretty good. I wish I could just figure out what I'd be good at. *sigh*
