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Friday, May 21, 2004
WORD OF THE DAY
Borrowing from Scorn's theme.....(warning...venting session ahead)
incensed Function: transitive verb
1 archaic : to cause (a passion or emotion) to become aroused
2 : to arouse the extreme anger or indignation of
It seems that I've been having a rough day. It's okay, I know that tomorrow will be better... but for the moment I'm just extremely tired (not in the physical sense) and incensed. I learned something about myself today that I should have noticed before, but haven't. When I am angry at someone or something, it eventually turns towards anger at myself and then ultimately into depression. I suppose it's because I don't like to be angry with someone else, and it's just easier to deal with it if I take it on myself. I'm not sure if it makes sense, but I've always been one of those self-punishing people, even if I didn't deserve it. Ain't life grand?
In any case, I realized that today when I became incensed (that's my word of the day). For no reason I switched that outward anger inward and transitioned it so that I was the cause of the anger and started beating myself up over it. Funnily enough that just makes me angrier. I'm going to have to stop that; I haven't done anything wrong damnit. *sigh*
So you're wondering, what the hell is going on? It's nothing major really. As usual it's the little things that set me off. I tend to be one of those persons who lets the little things keep building up until finally something comes along that seems so minute and tiny, but it is the breaking straw on the camel's back. I don't know why I do this, habit I assume. It's just my way.
This past weekend was the BEST time that I can remember having in such a long time. I've talked about my upstate friends before, so I won't repeat. But they always make me feel like someone, and I'm appreciated and I just am happy with myself in those times. I was sort of dreading coming home though, not because of my family... but because I knew that other friends here would lay the inevitable "guilt trip" on me. It always happens, whether or not they realize what they're doing. I'm used to it, but I'm also to the point where I'm sick of it. I'm a grown adult (even tho still at home haha) and I don't need anyone's permission to do anything. I don't have to answer to anyone damnit. Right? Still and so it comes, and even though prepared for it, I come away feeling torn and incensed. (I'm getting some great word usage today!)
Now, being someone who doesn't like to be confrontational (it doesn't scare me, I just don't see the use in it) I usually just putter along with my complacent self and try to steer clear of things that I know are going to set me off or try to push me back into a grand depressive funk. I just know I'm bi-polar.
Some of us are lucky enough to have friends who stop becoming just friends and meld into the FAMILY category because you choose to make them family. I have quite a few like this and I am so thankful. Then some of us have friends who meld into the family category, but with an added twist. They are so like blood relatives that it becomes the classic conundrum, i.e. you love them to death and don't want to lose them but at the same time they have ways of making your life chaotic and stressed. I wouldn't trade them for the world, but it's like dealing with your parents. You love them immensely but DAMN can't they just get a grip???
How do you deal with these people when they just have a way of getting under your skin? You can't talk to them about it; because of course they are highly sensitive, defensive, want-to-argue, always right, can't tell them anything sorts. Am I sounding like an ass on this or does someone out there understand??
And while I know everyone out there is saying, just suck it up and have it out with them damnit.... It's not something I want to do. For all the faults and spats that I've had with certain friends, I really do love them and want to keep them as friends(and trust me, I'm not saying I'm perfect. I KNOW I have stanky shit too). I also know that if I act on things that it would ruin the friendship. How do I know this you ask? Experience.... I have acted on smaller things before and then had to deal with having to step down and get walked on in order to save the friendship.
Is it worth beating yourself up over trying to save it? I think it is, when the person is worth caring about. And in truth, person X is really a great person. I can see the positive potential of this person, and I have seen thousands of good qualities. I guess in some ways because I am close it's easier for them to get by with certain negative traits. Who knows? It's a hard question though, that much is fact. Especially now when I'm trying so hard to find myself and to learn how to accept and love ME and take care of ME instead of executing myself every moment. There are fun moments, but there have been more negative ones lately and I suppose that I have been the main one at fault for that. I have tried to distance myself intentionally because I realized that a big part of the relationship was making me feel like I was always being belittled and talked down to (not when we're alone, but with other people around). In distancing myself I suppose that I gave person X a reason to feel like I was being a bitch. One of those lose/lose situations.
Am I just a bad friend????
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In other news, I gained two pounds in the past two weeks. Not bad, I'm not stressing. I haven't done anything really good these past two weeks as far as drinking water and exercising, eating right etc. Too much soda and buffets! But it was a special occasion so it's ok. I'm back on track now this week, so things will be better next Thursday. I'm determined to reach my goal for the end of this year. I have been determined for a while now, but I think I lacked a REAL new goal. I have wanted to be healthy of course for health reasons, and so that I have self-esteem, etc... but always I've had in the back of my mind that even when that happens I'll be in the same spot. Now I think that I'll reward myself in another way. When I get comfortable with my health I think I'm going to move upstate, at least for a little while to see if I like it. I need a change of scenery, a new start. Sometimes a new start is what it takes to kickstart your butt into gear. At least I'll have a positive support system around me there! So, maybe by the end of next year things will be going well and I'll be starting a new adventure. We shall see.
On that note I think I'm going to go and read the news and wash some clothes.
Loki's Hookah aka....... the complainer - posted by Loki's Concubine @ 2:17 PM
