Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

Ok, it's been a good day. I been busy getting things ready to pack up and take off tomorrow. It promises to be a weekend packed with fun, craziness, alcohol and great friends. So today has just flown by, and I've been feeling good.

I decided to take a break from the arduous task of drawing "Crack Shack Corral" signs with markers and cardboard to eat. Cool, still doing alright. The Wosyness Lovebud called, so I'm on the phone trying to keep her from hyperventalating.

I think I'll walk back to the computer. Ah...

Then what do I hear? The old man calling from the kitchen,
"Loki's HO......... come here." So I say "What" a few times.... finally he peeks around.

"Guess what I just found in the kitchen?"
"Ummm. wtf? WHAT?" *Getting nervous* I really hate these games, especially when the old fogie is giggling insanely and has this merry glint in his eye. He's like Santa tripping on crack with an axe in his hand.

So what was it you ask???

Yep, you got it....... a mother-fuckin snake. A SNAKE!!!!!! AAAAAARGHHHHHHH.

So I waltz in there, still hiding behind the counter and peeking around the fridge whilst bitching about having a snake in the house to Wosy.

"It's dead", he says. "How do you know it's dead?", I ask. "It's dead dummy."

So he grabs the broom, pulls it out from betweenxt the wooden door and the storm door and picks it up with a papertowel. Do you think I wanna see this shit? HUH UH no way. So what does he do? He turns around and sticks it out as he walks towards me.

FUCK THAT. I'm now standing in some sort of tae-kwon-do defense posture with the phone in one hand and reaching for a big wooden rod we keep in the hallway with the other. If he brings that thing any closer his ass is going DOWN.

Do I care if it's only a foot long? Umm NO! To normal folk it may simply be a tiny foot long baby rat snake or something.......... to me...........

It is THIS:



And yes, it wants to eat me. Slowly, bit by bit.... and feet first, so that I'm left screaming and seeing myself slowly being devoured.

This isn't the first time, you see........ of this happening. Last year the old man found a snake in the house, in the den.. hiding behind a piece of plywood that we use to separate rooms when the outside dog is in. Luckily Mom and I were vacationing in the mountains that weekend. That snake was ALIVE and well. He told us he had to grab a bucket and try to scoop it up with the broom, all the while it was hissing and striking. This one was dead at least...... and it hadn't made it into the house *yet*. It was between the wooden door and the glass storm door and had appeared to have been squished by someone either going or coming. It could have very well been me who did it........ *GULP* I'm glad and freaked all at once. Snake murderer I am proud to be...... that close and not having seen it......... I have shit stains in my panties.

I don't get it...... Is the cosmos playing some kind of sick twisted game with me? For the past few days I've seen snakes EVERYWHERE I go..... crossing the road, dead in the street, etc. I even commented to Dad last night how "the snakes are really moving now" after riding in the country and seeing over a dozen in just that time. What are you trying to tell me, O masters of the universe? What is this sick fetish you have of torturing Loki's HO with the serpentine stalkers?

It's not that I'm scared of snakes for no reason. I have always had extremely vivid horrible nightmares about them. I've literally been bitten in dreams and then wake up with bruises and pain. It's freaky. We lived in Arizona for a few years, in the middle of NOWHERE. There was nothing, well except hundreds of thousands of snakes, scorpions, gila monsters, spiders, and weird little things like vinageroos and tarantulas. (I even got bitten by a scorpion once.) But snakes.... I see them everywhere. All the time. Hell, I was even born in the year of the snake. I mean WTF is going on? I feel like I'm being punished for being the anaconda-ass that tempted Adam & Eve in the garden. I mean I'm starting to wonder if that is, in fact, the case - and I don't even *believe* in Adam & Eve.

All I know is tomorrow there will be snake-away or sulfur one bought. Damnit.