Today, I lived through my own personal hell. I'm sure it was the same version of hell that many others have. Mainly the people who were huddled near me, each of us breathing in ragged breaths with clammy palms. Yep, you guessed it. This morning we shopped at Wal-mart. The day after Thanksgiving sales. Wal-mart. I swear the employees had tails and shiny pitchforks.

Let me tell you my tale.........

This morning we awoke at the bright, early hour of 4:15am. The dew was heavy, it was still dark..... and I knew as we stepped into the car that it would be a long day. Arrival.... 4:45am. Already half the parking lot is jammed. We make our way inside and notice groups of people congregating around certain areas. We head to the toys....... our main goal: the 2 pack joystick controllers (the games you plug directly into the tv). Our goal... and also the goal of 445 million other people. There was one pallet. One. We weren't supposed to touch the items until 6am. At 5:30am the last "Personal Video Monitor" (also in the same pallet as the joysticks) walked off in the arms of some young girl. We were huddled, the masses, around this pallet; each holding onto whatever we could grab for dear life and attempting to hide them behind shredded sales-papers or buggies. If they saw them in your hands, you had to put them back. So we stood there for 2 hours. Desperate. Eyes twitching. Muscles spasming. At 5:45am the pallet was torn almost to bits and there were only a few boxes left on the bottom. Walmart managers come and look at us. After seeing the crazy twang in our eyes they declare that the pallet is too torn up, there's nothing they can do to keep people from grabbing things. They continue to try in vain however. Still we wait.

5:55am, the countdown is on. My fingers were locked around 3 of the coveted games while my Mother stands in another aisle somewhere in the store waiting for her 'goodies' to be unleashed. 5:58am..... there is almost no talking. We are like a pack of wildebeest alert for danger; listening for the smallest rustle of feet in the grass.

Then suddenly the hiss of speakers are heard and a man comes over the sound system....... "Attention shoppers, the time is now 6 o'cl.............." That's all I heard. There was a brief moment of combined grunts and moans and then all hell broke loose. People were shoving and running. I saw things ahead of me literally sailing through the air as people tossed Dora dolls and Leapfrogs to waiting friends. There was a bullet-speed blur of arms and hands reaching in and out of boxes and endcaps and aisles. The few employees who were attempting to 'watch' the pallets and keep people from taking things early seemed to literally melt away into the atmosphere. There wasn't a blue shirt to be seen in that writhing throng. Either they moved out a moment before the announcement or they were simply trampled in the stampede. That's one advantage to being a fat-ass....... if you plant your feet it'll take a lot to take you down.



I made a dash to find my Mother and by the time I made it down the aisle, I had walked past 2 employees where just moments ago the pallet had stood. They were sweeping up bits of ripped cardboard. It was total carnage. Mom had her buggies filled, we tried to head back towards the Electronics section. It took us half an hour to get out of toys and near the Electronics. We grabbed a few items there and then were caught in the avalanche of shoppers trying to fight their way into the layaway line. It reached around the store. Be damned if I'd put anything on layaway today. I'd be old and gray before ever reaching the counter.

In the end it was 7:45am when we finally made it through the check-out and out into the parking lot. I could breathe again. For a moment. Then it was on to Sears, the mall, Belks, Penny's, Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, Pier One, World Store and another Super Walmart.

All I gotta say is...... Fuck day-after Thanksgiving sales. I just wanna buy some new feet.